Atunci cand te pierzi pe tine, cand simti ca nu mai esti confortabil in propria piele si, mai ales, atunci cand simti puternic sentimentele neexprimate ale celor de jur, atunci si doar atunci incepi cu disperare cautarea. Mai niciodata nu reusesti sa afli pe unde ai pierdut omul vesel care obisnuiai sa fi. Asta nu pentru ca tu te-ai fischimbat. Esti acelasi din momentul in care te nasti si pana in ziua in care treci dincolo, indiferent ce inseamna dincolo… Toate astea se intampla pentru ca e imposibil sa tii pasul cu schimbarile dure ale mediului in care traiesti. Oameni care intra in viata ta pentru ca intr-o buna zi sa dispara fara un cuvant, cuvinte care sunt spuse pe negandite si pe care ajungi sa le regreti, trairi ce niciodata nu se mai intorc si sentimente care palesc in timp pentru ca mai apoi sa dispara in neant.

Nu ne alegem locul in care traim sau familia in care ne nastem. De multe ori nici macar nu avem privilegiul sa ne alegem traiectoria propriei vieti sau momentul in care am vrea sa se termine aceasta. Nu ne putem alege momentul in care ne nastem sau modul  in care ajungem sa iubim. O facem pur si simplu, fara a constientiza ca, poate undeva, cineva, independent de vointa noastra, a ales pentru noi si a trasat, jucandu-se, tot destinul noastru.

Cum ne dam seama daca mai iubim ce am iubit candva sau ce am crezut ca iubim? Cum putem spune daca mai vrem sa fim cum am fost sau vrem mult mai mult decat atat? Si, mai ales, exista acel creion magic care,dansand pe foaia alba a vietii noastre, stabileste calea pe care inconstient o urmam?

Ei nu-i place cand e asa. Trebuie sa existe o cauza ascunsa pentru care fetei noastre nu-i place nimic astazi. Nici macar tigara, placerea ei favorita de dupa [ sac, Mihaela Radulescu!]. Isis nu se oboseste s-o descopere. Se refugiaza in sine si ignora zgomotul de fundal. Se preface ca munceste… si totusi tigara aia ar fi fost buna…o ajuta pe Isis sa-si analizeze mai bine trairile.

Isis e hotarata sa nu auda nimic si pe nimeni. Isis tanjeste dupa senzatia de fluturasi in stomac pe care o capeti cand te indragostesti. Si Isis si-a dat seama astazi ca brusc i s-a facut dor de I. Doar ca I nu mai lucreaza cu Isis si ea n-are curaj sa-l sune ca sa nu se interpreteze.

Poftim! Isis a devenit timida si enervanta. Isis trebuie sa incheie. Nu se poate enerva la infinit de una singura. E suparator! Si-apoi Isis e femeie. Deci e explicabil!

What about men? How can one guess what’s behind his silence? Behind his thoughts or behind his words?

I have read hundreds of magazines, mostly having as targeted public the women and they were all trying “to translate” what is behind the words of a guy. Some interpretations were hilarious, some were misleading and many more were offending the woman and her romantic nature.

Who can teach me to understand the practical and non subtle nature of the man, though?

Many of you will probably think that if a person like me doesn’t understand the men and their philosophy of life then I am just an idiot. I would tell you to slow down a little and think about it. Why would a guy be more simpler and less complex then a woman is?

What exactly is in your mind guys? Did you ever felt that you loved a person so much that almost you are suffocating thinking to the possibility in which she/he [as the case may be] would leave you? Did you ever wished with all your heart to have a baby with a woman because you feel that she is the one that should be the mother of your child? Did you ever felt safe while you were sleeping just because you knew she is right beside you? Did you ever have tears in your eyes while watching the most romantic movie in the world?

No? Maybe not…maybe you are different but how are you? What do you feel in the presence of the one you really love?

My eyes got filled with tears. It was true…it is true even it seems so unreal. How can a person disappear just like that? What were her last thoughts? Did she had a bad premonition? Did she knew that in couple of hours she will not exist anymore?

I am morbid, I know. I try to move my mind to other things but I don’t manage to do this. I cleaned my kitchen three times trying to forget but yesterday’s events keep returning into my mind. It is not possible, it is not acceptable but it did happen and I will never see her again.

I tried to remember when was the last time I saw her alive. Must be over ten years. I don’t know exactly. I said ” Hello” and she just passed, without a word. I was so upset with her because of this because I didn’t do anything wrong to her. I was being punished for the deeds of other person. After years she tried to reconnect. And I refused. Not once, but many times. I refused to see her and now she is gone and we will never have the opportunity of solving our issues. It’s just not fair…well the tears are coming again…!

I need to stop here. I just want to ask… how to loose this thoughts? Is it any way to not think about it?

Couple of days ago I was dreaming myself wearing  a bride’s dress. I was telling at that time that usually this means bad luck. And indeed it was bad luck came as a very, very bad news about someone I grow up with. She left this world forever and I am pretty sad that during her life I wasn’t been able to forgive her.

About the ones that passed, one should only speak nice. At least this is what the elders are teaching us in our culture. I forgive her today for ignoring me all this years. I forgive her today for not being capable to distinguish between right or wrong. I forgive her today for the hate I never deserved.

Rest in peace, darling, may the angels watch over you up there!

By the way, if you meet the persons we both know, tell them I said “Hi” and give them some hugs from me!

Somehow, every time I see that place  I can’t avoid remembering her. It makes me feel better to think to her and if I try a little harder I almost manage to hear her voice. It was the warmest voice I ever hard and I truly believe that in this life she was the one that loved me the most.

I miss everything about her, the voice, the look, her gestures…I simply miss her presence because it made me feel so safe. I miss her stories. Most of them were probably invented even if she pretended that they were true. At that time I was simply accepting this and I was just listening because I was just happy. I don’t remember, after that, more happier times.

When the phone rang I sort of had a bad feeling. Nothing was anticipating how bad that day will be. I was hearing the voice of the person that responded the call and somehow I knew exactly what is it about and that I lost her… I didn’t knew though that she will take a way the happier part of my life.

I only saw her once after that call. But she didn’t smile and her eyes were not able anymore to look at me, filled with so much love and care. And for three entire days I wasn’t myself. I didn’t realise what is happening and that I am not going to see her again.

I don’t know why, after so much time, she come into my mind and my thoughts but I received her with so much joy because I remembered a story from my childhood that was telling the people which left there are coming to life every time we think about them.

I really, really love you and I’ll never forgot you. I just felt the need to write this down for eternity.

In my heart you will live for ever…

It is bad luck to dream about your wedding or for a girl to dream herself wearing a wedding dress. But in my dream I was kindly enjoying the moment and I was thinking that I finally am part of a family. And I was really happy. Now, according to Romanian traditional believes I should wait for something bad to happen…

For couple of hours, today, I had a bad feeling as something really bad is happening and I am not able to do anything for stopping it. Now this feeling has disappeared and I really hope to stay that way. I didn’t succeed in viewing the future husband though and I guess that could be the bad luck .

I decided to sell my apartment. I have actually changed my phone number and I rent another apartment until the transaction is done and I can get another place. Why? Because I want to make a change in my life. I didn’t like the old me anymore. I hated myself actually! So I decided to switch to another me. A better me, a “free as a bird” me. And I really hope to succeed in doing this.

My old connections…I deleted my phone’s agenda. I don’t want to hear them anymore. Since L told me that a whore remains a whore all her life I was like a ghost, like I was floating beyond my body. And one day I stopped crying and I decided to change my life. For good. Only God knows if I will be able but at least I am trying…

Maybe the wedding dress I was wearing will not be bad luck after all…

Once upon in time there was a girl. A lonely girl with a complicate past, with a difficult to understand present and with a hard to predict future. The girl felt the need to tell about her under the protection of a Godess name. And start to tell about her lovers and about her sad story, via an online jurnal, which is contemporary called “Blog”.

After she wrote her first piece of life almost no one believed her. She received all sort of comments, mean comments, which for our romantic girl were very hard to take.

She made the first virtual female friend, step by step but for no reason the friend, without any explanation, left her.

Our girl felt lonely again…and she almost changed her mind over writing about her life on www, because she felt that people are like in the real life – cruel and prove no loialty to their virtual friends.

So she was sad…but somehow she found the resouces to start writing again. And suddenly she found friends again. This time were male friends. Wasn’t she, after all, good in relations with men? Reading their comments over her story, she started laughing. They were nice, funny and so warm, all in one.

For some time, all four of them, kept developing their virtual stories and all four of them were commenting [ mostly funny comments ] to each of their written piece of story. Somehow, our girl found in her heart some new feeling of affection to her stranger friends. She actually never got to know one of them in person. She exchanged for some time e-mails with one of them [ the one who lives on an island ], she taked a lot via Messenger with another one [ the one who chose as alias a bad, bad name ] and continued exchanging comments with the third of them on his blog.

One day she decided she must stop exposing her life becuase she felt it is dangerous. For many times she thought about deleting her online journal because it reminded her about her sad story. She even try to change her life by getting employed in a local corporation as assistant. She tried for some time to forgive and forget, because  finally she thought she is strong. She stopped writing and stopped commenting. She missed her virtual friend every day but she thought it is better not to contact them again. She was pleased with reading what they were writing from time to time.

After a long time she opened her Messenger. And talked with the guy who likes to know that people are safe. And for the first time in her life she felt how much she misses her virtual friends who helped her pass over some hard moments of her life. And she felt so much guilt for abandoning them. How to request forgiveness? How to say ” I am really, really sory because I left like this!”?

Dedicated to three importants men in her life

With love,

Isis

Am lenevit rau weekendul asta.Cu toate astea ma simt obosita.Cred ca leneveala nu mi se potriveste.Categoric nu ti se potriveste, fato!Tu si leneveala nu sunteti prietene, asa ca da-i papucii.Dar mi-e dor sa lenevesc.Cu saptamanile…sa ma trezesc tarziu, sa o rasfat pe Lulu, sa-mi fac unghiile in sapte culori diferite pe percursul unei zile intregi sa sa mi se para ca nicio culoare nu-i suficient de colorata.

Am dat cu aspiratorul.Uau!E clar!Imbatranesc!Curand ma transform in vecina de la parter care vizioneaza miscarea din scara ca pe telenovela ei favorita de pe “Acasa”.

Riscant, trebuie sa stii ca si trasul cu ochiul dauneaza exact ca tutunul.Si de tutun n-ai mai reusit sa te lasi desi ti-o promiti de atata timp.Vicioaso!!!

What a day!What a boring day!L-am lasat si pe J sa mai leneveasca putin intre faldurile de matase violet.

Ce fac eu astazi ca sa nu ma plictisesc ?Cred ca daca fac nimic o sa-mi mearga bine si o sa ma simt in forma.Stiu sa fac nimic cel mai bine.

Thank God ca pot face nimic astazi!